Kansas Bound

Today's Song (click here)

Last week I plopped down the outrageous sum of $225 to do the Kansas 70.3 on June 15th (& this doesn't even count travel costs). I was going to do the local Taylorsville Lake half in May but (1) I want to do the Mad Dog rides to Mammoth Cave & back that weekend (2) I hate competing in a relatively small field where I know most of the women in my age group are faster than me.

All of my "racing life" I have struggled between my classic, competitive Type "A" personality & my inability to go as fast as others around me - especially at shorter distances. This is one of the reasons I typically go for larger, out-of-town, long-distance events. The big crowds give me a feeling of anonymity, being out of town is not only more fun but usually ensures that I don't know the other competitors & long-distance really lends itself to my somewhat slow, plodding efforts to complete the race.

It's not like & don't care where I finish - I absolutely do - I just hate that feeling of pressure I place on myself when I know the other athletes. That competitive streak in me kicks in & I feel compelled to push myself sometimes harder than I should...(read really fast start & dying at the end). So, given that I know about 75% of the local women's field in my age group & all of them are faster runners & swimmers than me, I choose the more expensive, out of town option. I'm thinking it's going to be more fun anyway...I get to drive 8 1/2 hours each way by myself (unless I can find a cyclone or balloon), I'm sure there will be really exciting scenery on the way (corn) & the local entertainments are certain to be riveting:) AND....I get to wear my new wetsuit!!!

Baggage (Click the pics to see them in a new screen)

I think most of us come out of our childhood & teenage years with some kind of baggage left over - insecurity, loneliness, relationship issues....the list goes on & on....Me, my baggage is body image. I grew up thinking I was, well, fat.

Looking back, I realize that I wasn't overweight at all - I was 5'6" & about 130 pounds - all the way through high school....However, when you're the tallest kid in the school (5'6" by 4th grade), hit puberty in 5th grade (read boobs & hips), wore a size 9 shoe in elementary school & have a mother constantly telling you to lose weight because boys don't like fat girls, I guess some fat baggage is bound to linger.

Now, I'll admit, I've certainly had my up & down years - high school, not so much...college - definitely a chunky 150 lbs (Domino's delivery was just too good to pass up). But since I started exercising fairly regularly 10 years ago, I've really been in pretty good shape. I've been able to maintain a weight range of 128-145 over the last decade & now weigh a comfortable 133. I like to joke that I'm doing the Ironman so I can eat whatever I want, but it's only half a joke - I really can eat pretty much whatever I want & although I'm not losing weight anymore, it's become pretty easy to stay where I am. I can actually eat a huge meal (sometimes) without feeling the panicked urge to go see how much weight I've gained or to burn off the calories by running an extra 5 miles...I know it sounds weird but most of the women out there will at least understand what I'm talking about.

So, you may wonder, what's the problem with my baggage now? Well, I was actually doing great until a few weeks ago when I found out that a friend of a friend had called me "big-boned". Big-boned? To me, that's just a nicer way of calling me a fat cow. It's amazing how fast all those insecure feelings about how I look came rushing back. Am I really fat, I wondered? Logically I know that I'm not (although I'm definitely no 20 something anymore) but it's those illogical feelings that go hand-in-hand with our own individual luggage that are so hard to overcome. Instead of just laughing off the comment as a somewhat insensitive joke, it's so much more instinctual to let it overwhelm the positive body image I've had going for several months now. So now, I just have to work a little harder to remind myself that I look okay - yes I'd love to have bigger boobs, a smaller waist & ass, firmer abs - the list could go on & on - & that I'm healthy & reasonably happy. I get to work every day towards a huge race that I'm really excited about & hang out with fun people while I'm doing it. I can eat what I want relatively guilt free & no, I AM NOT FAT! Could I stand to lose 5 pounds? Probably...Would I ever get to eat again if I did? Not! So here I am hoping that this baggage of mine gets lost somewhere on this Ironman journey & then I can move onto some new & more exciting baggage:)